I’m one of those persons who, if I am in the bathroom for any length of time, needs to have something to read.

Anything.

So the other day, I’m sitting on the fat old lady throne and I realize my Kindle is in the bedroom.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I read the care instructions on my undies.

I can’t believe I have never done this before.

But I wear plain cotton (100% cotton as it turns out) fat old lady panties – nothing special going on here, how hard can it be to take care of them?

Mine read:

COMFORTCHOICE

(Bet my fat old lady ass my choice is comfort)

MADE IN PAKISTAN

(How exotic)

100% COTTON

(Told you so)

WASH BEFORE USING

(Makes sense – I would also suggest wash after using)

MACHINE WASH WARM

(Not hot?  I use hot, not taking any chances.)

WASH COLORS SEPARATELY

(Nope.  These are plain old panties, they all go in with the whites on hot – eventually, they fade enough to be close enough to white)

USE ONLY NON-CHLORINE BLEACH

(I can understand that – I don’t want any bleach residue next to my gentles (and yes I meant to spell it that way))

TUMBLE DRY LOW

(Again, they’re going in with the rest of the whites and they are drying on my regular setting – I don’t have all day here to wait around for some panties to dry)

REMOVE PROMPTLY

(Sure)

MEDIUM IRON

Wait.

IRON?????

WTF?

Do people really iron their drawers?

Even when I ironed my clothes, I didn’t iron my underpants.

Who has that kind of time?

Who is that fastidious?

If I cared that much about what my underwear looked like I wouldn’t be buying them in 12 packs for the lowest price possible.

These panties are not panties that are made to be looked at – by anyone.

They are strictly utilitarian panties.

They keep my naughty bits bundled away from my exterior clothing.

They are fart catchers.

If you iron panties, I salute you.

I am also deeply concerned for you and your wellbeing.

For the love of God (that I don’t believe in), get a hobby, get cable TV, get a cat – something – anything.

There is a whole non-ironed panties world waiting for you out there.

(Fair warning DO NOT Google granny panty images unless you have “safe search” on – what has been seen cannot be unseen – WTF is wrong with people?)