I would like to work for the airlines.

No, I don’t want to be Ms. Coffee, Tea, or Me – to have that kind of job, you should not be wider than the drink trolley.

The jobs I want, sadly, do not exist – but they should, and I would be perfect for any of them.

Job 1.  I would like a job at the gate making all those people with boarding passes that say Group 6 to get the fuck out of the way of everyone trying to board.  Unless you are flying Southwest, you have a seat on the plane.  It is assigned.  If you get on board earlier, you don’t get to pick a better seat.  SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

Job 2.  I would like a job at the gate telling all those people with too many bags and over-sized bags to check that shit – especially, those teeny tiny people with the huge bag.  You can’t even reach the overhead bins, much less hoist that huge bag up to it.  If you can’t lift it yourself, you can’t bring it on the plane.  Period.  And none of this, “we’ll check it and you can pick it up on the jet way.”  Bullshit.  You need to go back to the ticket counter and check it, which you should have done in the first place.  Going to miss your flight?  Bet it won’t happen next time.

Job 3.  I want a job on the plane, making sure that people can lift their own bags in to the overhead (see Job 2 above), and making people take out all the crap they put into the overhead that should go under the seat, so there is no room for people with bags.  No, your coat does not have to go in the overhead.  No, your purse does not go in the overhead (what kind of moron puts their purse up there anyhow?).  No, your briefcase does not go in the overhead.  Admit it, you are going to want access to your purse or briefcase.  So instead of climbing over people, having to struggle to get to what you want (plus risking stuff falling on someone – you know items may have shifted during the flight), blocking the aisle, only to get back in your seat only to discover you forgot to get a pen, a piece of gum, whatever, (because let’s face it, if you thought putting something you’ll need in the overhead was a good idea in the first place, you’re probably not the sharpest crayon in the box, are you) and going through the whole thing again – you could just have what you want right there under the seat in front of you, where you can get at it without disrupting everyone around you.

Job 4.  I want a job on the plane shutting off electronic devices at take-off and landing.  Despite what Alec Baldwin might think, the game of Words with Friends can wait, so can Candy Crush, and do you really have to be telling your bestie, “I’m on the plane now”.  Turn it off.  Turn it off now.  If you don’t, I think the scofflaws should be treated like school children – take the device away, and they can have it back (maybe) at the end of the flight.

Why do I want these jobs?  Because these jobs are important and need to be done.  These people make everyone else’s trip a misery.  I would have a feeling of great accomplishment doing these jobs.  I would be making the world a better place.

And I would be perfect because I am big (really big) and scary (really scary, when I want to be).