I used to simply love auditions.

Now it’s more of a love/hate relationship.

I still love seeing what other people choose for their audition songs, and how they perform them.

I still love seeing the acting choices people make in their auditions.

I will always and forever HATE dance auditions.

Sorry choreographers, it is nothing personal.

I tell people, I can learn any dance you want (within the limits of my physical abilities, of course), but I need time – lots and lots of time to practice and think about it – and the older I get the more thinking time I need.

I cannot make my body and my mind nimble at the same time.

Sorry, that’s just how it is.

And as a fat old lady, I may be able to do your combination – but chances are doing it 20 times in a row is not going to make me or my body happy.

For me there are four kinds of auditions:

The ones where I simply stink up the place.  (And yes, that happens.  Sometimes your voice just says, I’ll wait for you in the car.)

The ones where I absolutely ace it.  (A much rarer occurrence.)

The ones where you are acing it, and then suddenly the person you are up against does something that is pure genius, and you know they just won the part.  (Very frustrating.  I am sad I lost out, but fuck, you just got to admire that burst of genius.)

And the most usual kind – where you’re up against a small group of people, all of whom have the necessary talent (including me), and all of whom would bring something unique to the role (including me) – and who the fuck knows who the director will choose or why.

My favorite kinds of auditions are the ones where I really don’t care if I get the part.

If I get it – YAY, I’m doing a show.

If I don’t get it – YAY, I have more free time.

But I never audition for a show that I don’t want to do.  I want to do it, but if I don’t get to – that’s okay too.

I hate auditioning for a show that I really, really, really want it.

Especially now that I’m getting older – because I know, in my heart of hearts, I only have so many shows left in me.

But as the song goes,  “I am not dead yet.”

Also:  “Let me entertain you!”