There are a lot of things in this world that I hate.
There are some things in this world that I fear.
One of the things at the top of both lists is:
Just typing the word makes my skin want to take a walk.
I was not happy when I went to the kitchen sink the other day, and there was a big-ass black spider on one side.
In the good old days, I would have just washed his big-ass spidery-self down the drain.
But I can’t bring myself to do that anymore.
Nor can I stand to squish a big bug.
(That crunch-squish is more than I can bear.)
Spiders do many good things. They just need to do them elsewhere.
So what to do?
It wasn’t moving. It could even have been dead.
So I left it be. (Luckily, we have a two-sided sink)
At first, I thought the Spider was gone.
But it tricked me!
When I leaned toward the back of sink, there it was on the front of the sink, where it couldn’t be easily seen.
I could have put my hand in there!
Again, not moving. Dead? Not going to investigate closer.
Spider had returned to the back of the sink, clearly visible, but now Spider’s legs were all curled up.
Had to be dead.
Then the fucker moved!
Wicked tricksy spider.
But I realized wicked tricksy spider could not climb out of the sink.
The walls were too steep and smooth.
Wicked tricksy spider would die if I left spider where it was.
I got a big wooden spoon.
I coaxed stupid-stupid-stupid spider onto the spoon.
Put the spoon in a corner of the counter.
(No way I was carrying that spoon anywhere and have that fucking spider climb up the handle and get me! No, no, no, no, no, no!)
The spider is now gone.
Now I have a big-ass black spider loose in my kitchen.
And I need a new big wooden spoon.
WTF was I thinking?
Oh well, Spider go make yourself useful – and in the future, leave me the fuck out of it, okay?