So many times, when I use a touchscreen said touchscreen totally ignores me.

I mean, when the alarm goes off on my iPhone – I start out gently touching “Stop” and eventually end up stabbing repeatedly at the screen with different fingers and all to no effect.

ARGH.

When I am at the grocery store and touch the pad to approve the total amount – it often takes multiple tries.

WTF fingers?

WTF touchscreens?

Turns out there is a name for this malady.

Zombie fingers.

I got zombie fingers.

WTF?

No my fingers do not wander around moaning “braaaaaaains”.

They don’t look dead.

They don’t feel dead.

Not even living dead.

They’re just fucking fingers.

Some of the causes of zombie fingers –

Callouses?  Not really.

Dry hands?  Kind of, but not crazy dry – just old lady dry.

Dirty hands?  No.

Really long fingernails?  Nope.  I type for a living.  I keep those nails trimmed to a very sensible length.

What’s a fat old lady to do?

People in South Korea have reported having luck using a pork sausage link.

Yeah, I’ll just keep one of those on hand – in my purse, in my pocket, next to the computer.

(Our cats would find me a lot more interesting.)

The recommended answer is to keep a capacitive stylus on hand.

And I actually have a bunch of them.

(I got them because my Kindle Fire refused to acknowledge my existence most of the time, apparently because – zombie fingers.)

So I could do that.

But the whole thing about touchscreens is supposed to be convenience.

Capacitive stylus – not convenient.

So here I am stuck with my fat old lady zombie fingers.

For fuck’s sake.