Hold onto your butt’s y’all, because you ain’t heard nothing yet.

Anyone who reads my blog knows about the love/hate relationship I have with Kaiser Permanente.  They are both the best and the worst.

Well Kaiser doesn’t operate in Michigan – so, bye-bye Kaiser and hello Cigna.

OMG.

To commence your navigation through the rocky shoals of Cigna, first you have to sign up for MyCigna – which is supposed to make it all so much easier; because computers always make stuff easier, right? Right?

Well, just my luck when we joined up Cigna was doing a big computer upgrade.  Upgrade as in nothing is going to work right for an undetermined amount of time, and no don’t ask us when it’ll be working because we don’t understand this any more than you do.  We’re just the poor saps who have to answer the phones during this fucking mess.

But, I keep checking back in, and after a few days, the system appears to be working.

Yay!  Right?  Right?

Now to find an oncologist. 

Found one – right around the corner (kind of).  Call them.  And, even though my insurance specifically says I don’t need referrals, nobody is going to see me without a referral.

Fuck.

Okay, undaunted (yet), I find a primary physician that appears to be perfect and she’s accepting new patients.

Call there.  No, she’s not accepting new patients and the other physician listed for that facility is no longer there.

Thanks a butt load Cigna. 

Now, everyone knows garbage-in/garbage-out; especially when it comes to computers.  And I have now found out, and quite quickly too, that the data in the MyCigna site, even though it just went through a major upgrade, is crap.  Doctors not there, doctors not taking new patients, wrong phone numbers, wrong addresses.

Whoo-hoo.  I can feel myself becoming daunted.  Really, really daunted.

I start dialing.  Next one – no answer.  Then I try the doctor who some of my family see.

He is accepting new patients!  He’s right down the road from me!  And he can see me in the middle of September.

Wait. What?

It is now the afternoon of July 1^st.  And I am finding more no answers, or office is closed.

Over the long weekend, I take the time to go through the list (8 pages) of primary physicians who are supposedly accepting new patients (fool me once), so I can start fresh on Tuesday morning.

Come Tuesday morning.  Start dialing.  No answer.  Not accepting new patients.  Can see me in December(!).  Doctor no longer with the facility – BUT, there is one who is taking new patients, and I can see him in a couple of weeks (like before my prescriptions run out! 

Be still my beating heart.

Only they are no longer at the address listed on MyCigna, because of course not – they are in (fucking) Chesaning.

Now if you know the Tri-Cities area, in Michigan, you realize that Chesaning is a little bit of a hike.  Nothing crazy – about 30 minutes away from my house (if there is no traffic, and let’s face it, compared to California, there is never any traffic around here).  If this was San Jose, I wouldn’t think twice about this distance – and he can see me in a couple of weeks and the clock is ticking on my prescriptions. 

I’ll take it!

Since it is so difficult to just get a primary physician, I feel like beggars can’t be choosers.  Cigna also, unlike Kaiser, does not give you any insight into the personal life/philosophy of the doctor – so you can do a cursory review to weed out any fat hating doctors.  I am flying blind here. 

Please God (TIDBI) don’t let him be a fat-phobic jerk.  And even if he is, I’m going to see him and get my referrals (which I now find out I need for an ob/gyn) and my drugs, and start looking for someone else.  Because I am now facing life without Kaiser and Kaiser is looking pretty fucking good right now.

Welcome to the real world, dearie.