I had an appointment with my gynecologist today.

(If that hasn’t scared you off, feel free to keep reading.  Otherwise, I totally understand.)

I have a bump.  The bump is on the inside of the left labium majus (I was this many days old when I learned the singular for labia majora – live and learn). 

Still reading?

The bump is itchy.

Soooooooo itchy.

I have had it for years now.

When I first told my gynecologist about it (2019), she did some tests (for vaginal infection and yeast – even though I told her, over and over, it’s not in the vagina (rhymes with Carolina – sorry I have to add that because I first saw it in a book my sister Linda bought for her kids and I still think it is hilarious) – it’s on the outside parts.  Anyhow, surprise, surprise, all the tests were negative, but I still did the pills for the antibiotics she prescribed and the cream for yeast infection and the steroid for whatever the fuck was going on. 

So, fast forward 2 years – nothing has worked.  Still have the bump. Still itches. 

Email the doctor and she has me come in.  She takes a picture (and I get her to take a picture with my phone too – and you can thank me later for not posting same) of the red bump (or as she describes it – a “paper cut” – but I assure I have not been trying to “lick” or open envelopes with my cootch). 

This time she says, put Aquaphor on it – which makes me very happy because I have a big ass tub of Aquaphor left over from when I had the radiation treatment for breast cancer. 

The Aquaphor works great – as long as the bump is covered with it.  Wash it off, and the itching starts immediately. 

Fuck. 

This time, I only wait a month before I contact my gynecologist (because she told me, “This time, don’t let it go so long.”).  And back I go because I really would prefer not to spend the rest of my life with a greased up cootch (Aquaphor is basically slightly more expensive vaseline). 

Now, she had told me the next step was biopsy.  I didn’t realize she meant the next time I set foot in her office. 

So, surprise, surprise.  It’s biopsy time!

Things you don’t want to hear during a biopsy – “What is the deal with these scissors?” 

Ouch. 

She used some numbing cream, and I know she used lidocaine – because I felt both of the shots.  And I don’t know what the deal was with those scissors – but OUCH. 

And now I have a notch in my crotch! 

Life as a woman can be such an adventure.

Okay – you can relax now. Story is over (at least until I get the results).