I am so happy that when I open a new tab on Google, one of the 8 “frequent” sites offered is no longer my HMO! 

That means I’ve been healthy enough, long enough that I’m not having to use that site often enough for it to show as a “favorite” – (something, I assure you, it has never been). 

So I’m feeling pretty good about myself. Then I go to the gynecologist who looks at my records and says, “Wow, you take a lot of medications!”

First, fuck you.

Second, I’m 68, and it’s patch-patch-patch. 

Third, a lot of what I am on is preventative – not for a condition.  They are recommended by the HMO you work for, for people of a certain age. In fact I would argue that the statin (which I take every other day and is at the bare minimum dose) is a waste of good medicine because my cholesterol numbers have always been fantastic.  The blood pressure meds (two of them – one is to stave off edema, which I don’t have but because my left leg swells sometimes because it has lousy circulation because it was almost cut off in a car accident when I was 17 years old – yes, Ferd, that one – my doctor thinks I must have edema because I’m a FAT old lady) and the other is actually for blood pressure) are at the bare minimum.  And the Anastrozole is to help prevent the risk of returning cancer.

Fourth, I believe in better living through chemistry – especially when it comes to my mental health.  If these meds help, they help.

I, basically, take 2 handfuls of pills every morning and I’m (mostly) done. 

Oh and lets not forget the “other” pills I take – like cinnamon caps (which helps my morning glucose spike), Calcium and Vitamin D3 for bone strength because I had radiation treatment and Anastrozole depletes the body’s calcium.  Oh and the Omeprazole – for heartburn because the HMO stopped prescribing it and now I have to do it OTC and if I didn’t take it the stomach acid would change my voice to sounding something akin to Tom Waits.


I am, however, eternally grateful that in my childhood, I learned how to swallow pills.  I don’t know what I’d do if I was one of those people who struggle to get a pill down (much less 5 at a time).  My stepfather even taught me how to dry swallow pills – something I totally avoid if I can because, I don’t know about anyone else, but I am just not that spitty kind of a gal who can accumulate enough saliva in my mouth to accommodate pills going down without getting at least a taste of melted pill (gack). 

So parents teach your kids to swallow pills.  Healthcare professionals, STFU about how many meds a fat old lady is on – unless you think there is a problem – and if so, be specific.  “Wow! That’s a lot” is not helpful.

I hope I never have to play crazy crab to get my pills down; but whatever gets the job done and the pills down!


  1. You have entered a new dimension, one in which numbers matter but not the 3-digit one. It’s the age number
    & it matters for EVERYTHING now: people in the health trades feel COMPELLED to comment on all aspects
    of old broad life. The “wow, you take a lot of pills” is pretty common. Wait til one of the little darlings asks you
    who the President of the United States is (last time I was asked that I replied, “Woodrow Wilson of course, and isn’t he doing a swell job of keeping us out of the Great War, even after those awful Huns sank the
    Lusitania!” – boy, that shut HER up!) Get used to being in that weird zone in which nothing you say is given
    credence & your every action is suspect. I think it’s fear: those young folks are terrified they’ll be US one
    day & have no clue how to deal with it – You however are doing great – just keepkicking butt. Sorry
    about the weird typing but just got srung from hospital (knee replacement) & am on the good drugs & old
    movies treatment plan.

  2. Wow – everyone is getting knees replaced – my Cousin Alice just got her second knee done this past week, and next week my Cousin Marilyn gets one of her knees replaced. I am eternally grateful that I got the good knees gene in my family (my sister Linda has had both knees, both hips and I think both shoulders replaced) and my sister Karon has nothing but knee troubles! And I would gladly tell someone asking me who the president is if I thought I would remember all that! Hope your recovery is quick and uneventful and enjoy all the good drugs while you got ’em.

    • Hope your relatives are having a better go of it than I – pain, stiffness, swelling: all the joys of joint replacement in one shot. Have had both hips AND a shoulder done with no real problems but was told that
      knees are the worst – seems to be true.
      As for all that presidential stuff — I spent several years with a small production company developing game
      shows – you have no idea how much trivia that line of works stuffs into your head! Would KILL for a job like
      that now – never had as much fun in the biz as those good ol’ game show days. To this day I can’t look at a
      menu without trying to see how many categories/questions I might get out of it. For me it was almost as much
      fun as performing.

  3. Yeah. I’m hoping I can avoid the knee replacement thing and so far so good (knock on wood). We have a friend, Mike Torres (aka Mike TV founder of the band Get Set Go) who was in production TV work and threw it all aside for music. He seems just as happy with his choice, but sometimes I wonder if I’d have the guts. Lots of YouTube game shows out there – (like, Um Actually). I’ll bet someone would like to have your expertise! Me, I can’t stand to see how the sausage is made – so I stick to performing.

  4. That’s actually funny – here I sit, knee up, giant ice pack wobbling on top, watching “Food Factory” on NatGeo: an entire show dedicated to showing JUST how the sausage is made! For some reason (maybe the
    meds) I’m riveted to the sight of little candies swooping down chutes into boxes & ladies with white caps
    shoving the boxes toward a packing machine.
    Part of the appeal of game shows – at least for me – was that it’s a group effort, like being in the cast of a show, everyone around a table pitching in ideas, questions, etc. Very much taking a village to get the show
    on its feet & on the screen.
    Have seen several videos of you on stage & gotta say – performing is a GREAT choice for you – it’s a pleasure to
    watch a pro at work, and I DO love those nuns! What a great idea that was for an act.
    Will shut up & go away now – it may be time for another little stroll around the house…

  5. Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me, sincerely. We have different experiences in the “biz” and yet we have so much in common! Now go take care of your boo-boo knee!

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