In case you weren’t up-to-date with my continuing deterioration – I am now wearing hearing aids. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I like them.  Mostly.

There is a whole lot less of “What?”, “What did you say?”, “I didn’t hear you” going on around our house since I got them.

However, I have an almost constant “whooshing” in my ears which I ascribe to the sound of my short hair brushing constantly against the itty bitty microphones that live at the top of the hearing aids which rest on top of my ears.  Clearly, I either need much shorter or much longer hair.

My favorite thing though is the Bluetooth capability.  Phone call coming in?  Just push the right hearing aid button and it’s answered and the voice goes directly into my shell like pink ear (fuck you – it might be shell like (neither of us knows the shape of all the shells – there may be a Fat Old Lady Ear-shaped shell out there) and my ear is kind of pink-ish, if you pinch it or rub it a little).  The microphones pick up my voice and send it out into the world to arrive in the phone of the caller! 

How cool is that?

I can now answer the phone (safely) while driving.  I can now answer the phone while ensconced on the toilet.  As long as I am reasonably near my iPhone, I can answer the phone.  And I LOVE it.

Now, as I wrote before, my Samsung laptop died an ignoble death and has now been replaced with an HP. 

And what did I want most of all?

To be able to pair my hearing aids with the Bluetooth capabilities of the laptop, of course.

So I go to settings and Bluetooth devices and – nada, zip, zilch.  My hearing aids aren’t listed.


So I go to my account with Phonak (the provider of my hearing aids – who tout the necessity and benefits of setting up your own special “MyPhonak” account so you can make sure it’s all about you, you, you (meaning all about me, me, me – of which I am always a strong proponent). 

I find nada, zip, zilch on how to pair my hearing aids to a laptop.  There isn’t even a fucking search function – because who would need something like that?  ARGHHHHHH.

So I am forced to turn to my old friend Google, where I find directions on how to pair my hearing aids.  You have to turn the hearing aids off and then turn them back on, and you then have 3 minutes to pair them with the laptop.  And while I didn’t appreciate the time constraints (I don’t need that extra pressure, y’all); I did it.  When I turned the hearing aids back on, they magically appeared as an available Bluetooth device on my screen.  And no, I haven’t tested it. Baby steps, folks.

So I am feeling both proud of myself for accomplishing this task and aggravated with Phonak for making it needlessly difficult.

WTF Phonak.

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