I went in for my face-to-face in preparation for radiation treatment. 

My oncologist told me that there are BMI restrictions regarding the equipment.  Of course, she didn’t know what they were (thanks a butt load doc) – but she would give the radiologist a head’s up about my concerns. 

Well, the oncologist never mentioned the issue to the radiologist (of fucking course not); but it actually turns out radiology is on top of this – the one and only department at Kaiser that actually has the information, looks at it and determines before they talk to you whether or not there is an issue with your size. 

I’m still fucking pissed at the oncologist for not doing what she promised, even if it did turn out to be moot.  Hell, I’m just generally fucking pissed with Kaiser for not doing what they are supposed to do when it comes to my healthcare lately.

Anyhow, they are doing a CT scan.  The table’s weight limit is 400# (I asked specifically so I could pass that info on to others); but the real issue is body size/shape.  You have to fit through this donut hole.  I fit through – but it was not comfortable because my arms had to be up above my head holding onto a bar and my elbows wanted to wander to the forbidden zone. 

Also not comfortable – the table is so fucking narrow.  When my arms were not above my head, there was no place to rest them other than across my body, with my hands tightly clasped to keep my arms from hanging down (getting numb and pulling on my already unhappy back muscles – yes, I’m still having some back spasms). 

I understand they want the table to be narrow enough to go through the donut hole, but why not have either boards that slide out from underneath (they have these in operating rooms) or place a couple of stands next to the table for all the time that you are not actually in the donut?  That would go a long way to making things more comfortable. 

What would also make things more comfortable is a way to get off of the fucking table.  Getting on was exciting enough, but getting off was nigh impossible. 

For one thing, there is a wedge.  This wedge is to hold your ass in place so you don’t slide down when you are on the table (the head of which is slightly raised – not raised enough to actually help you get off, just high enough to keep the butt wedge solidly engaged).  So you can’t just slide your legs over the side.  There’s a wedge.

There are no hand holds.  None. 

There are technicians offering to help.

Teeny tiny technicians.  Bless their hearts.  Yeah, no.

I appreciate their offers, but I don’t care how well trained they are or strong they are – there are certain laws of physics at work here. 

So how about something that can be rolled into place to provide safety bars and/or hand holds so you don’t feel like your only option is to thrash helplessly on the table trying to find non-existent leverage and trying to avoid just sliding sideways and ending fat old lady ass up on the floor (and the floor is a good way down as the table is kind of high – which also makes the fun of getting on the table with that fucking wedge exciting too). I am sure the savings on personal injury lawsuits (from both patients and the technicians) would more than pay for any such equipment. 

And the more exciting news? This isn’t even the machine that they use for my treatments. Looking at Kaiser’s brochure, it appears that the photo below is the machine. Hmmmm. The treatment itself only takes like 5-10 minutes – but I still have to get on and off that thing. I’m not Simone Biles y’all.

And then they want to know why I’m so fucking stressed all the time!