THIS FAT OLD LADY’S THEATER TUESDAY – THE THEATER NIGHTMARE – 2020 EDITION

I had the ultimate theater nightmare – only with a 2020 twist!

(As if regular theater nightmares aren’t bad enough!)

In my dream, I was really sick.  I was sure I had COVID-19.

For some reason, I couldn’t call the theater (the Fischer Opera Haus – where I performed for years) and let them know I couldn’t perform.  I had to go there – because of course I did.

Once there, I told the director (Ron Kieft) that I was too sick to perform and that I was sure I had COVID-19 – and somehow he talked me into doing the show because the audience was already seated – because of course they were.

Of course, none of my costumes were where they should be, I remembered I had left my wig at home because I had taken it there to style it (something I am incapable of doing, by the way); and I didn’t even have shoes – because of course I didn’t.

I kept telling people to stay away from me because I had COVID but nobody would listen to me – they were scrambling around trying to find my costumes for me.

I finally found part of my costume but couldn’t find the skirt.  I was screaming – where’s the skirt, how can the rest of it be here with no skirt?  What kind of asshole takes just the skirt?  That’s when I remembered I was the asshole who had taken just the skirt down to the dressing room – because of course I did.

So I go to the dressing room and sure enough, there’s my skirt. 

Then I am struggling to put on some pantyhose and the dressing room door opens and I am in full view of the audience – struggling to pull up my pantyhose. Because it is a theater nightmare after all, and you have to have the “naked” onstage moment.

And meanwhile, I am realizing, I don’t have a clue what I am supposed to say or sing onstage – because theater nightmare.

I find a wig that will work, only suddenly my hair is super long (but really pretty – auburn with lots of golden streaks) and I can’t get it tucked under the wig; and I can’t understand why my hair is so long – but then I realize – of course, COVID-19, I can’t get my haircut (but apparently I can get it professionally dyed and highlighted). 

I get the wig situated and realize I have no makeup, and nobody will lend me any because I have COVID-19 (like we don’t all have it by this point in the dream); so I’m looking for a red Sharpie so I can at least color my lips.  Yeah, that’ll work; but of course nobody can find a red Sharpie.

I get everything sorted out (except the script and songs) and get onstage, only realizing for some reason I’m wearing this voluminous velvet cape, for no reason that I can think of.  I also have on this fabulous decorated top hat.  I take off the cape to reveal my costume underneath and am about to find out if I am actually able to sing, and that’s when I wake up.

OMG.  Just when you thought theater dreams couldn’t get any worse.

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