I am currently employed as a legal word processor.

Most of my work experience is as a legal secretary/paralegal – estate planning, probate, and transactional (including entity formation, corporate formalities, real estate, contracts, etc.), plus some bookkeeping thrown in.

I am also certified as an medical insurance coder and medical transcriptionist.

Nothing in this has qualified me to maintain the website for the law office I work for.

NOTHING.

I am 65 years old.

I am not interested in picking up new marketable skills.

So why, in the name of God (that I don’t believe in), would I be saddled with the maintenance of our firm’s website?

Fuck, fuck, fuck me.

The person who was doing all of this left the firm.  She was able to give me minimum training; but by the time I had to actually do something with the website, there was nobody at the firm who knew a thing about what needed to be done, much less how to do it, and I had pretty much forgotten everything that had been explained to me, and my notes were cryptic at best.

I am sure my notes made perfect sense at the time I made them.

And this shit only comes up maybe once or twice a year.

So I can pretty much guarantee you that each time this comes up, I have totally forgotten anything that I may have previously figured out the last time.

I know I should make a “how to” sheet for myself; and I have one – sort of.

Unfortunately, it is too vague to be of much help.  I make note of the things that have given me problems.  But for reasons unknown, I never seem to run into the same problems when I go to work on the website.

Nope.  I get new and improved problems.

And when I went to make a new step-by-step “how to” guide, I found that there are so many pissy little things that need to be tended to, the task was overwhelming.

Let’s see.

First, you have to create a .vcf file – a virtual business card through Outlook.

Outlook and I are not friends.  It refuses to cooperate or operate under any semblance of logic.

So, create the .vcf file (including inserting the attorney’s photo).

That’s not so hard – but then I have to attach that file to an e-mail and send it to myself (because for reasons that defy logic, our website maintenance program refuses to work through the remote system; and I have to do everything on my at-home computer, locally).

I also need to e-mail the attorney’s photos (various sizes) to myself; as well as the attorney’s draft bio (in Word format).

Download the attached files (photos, .vcf and bio) to my home computer and place them in the proper folders.

Now, I have to use a program called In-Design.

In-Design is a fucking nightmare; just in case you wondered.

I am sure it can do amazing and wonderful things – but you need a fucking Ph.D in In-Design to accomplish much of anything.

I have no desire to acquire any degree in mastering In-Design.  I hate it.  It hates me.  The relationship has been established.

The only way I can use In-Design for the website is to open an existing file, save it with a new name, and then insert the new attorney info.

But the most fun you can have with In-Design is inserting a photo.

God (that I don’t believe in) give me strength.

You’d think it would be a nice click and drag.

HA!  And I say again, HA! (in my most derisive tone).

Silly woman, In-Design is not some intuitive, user-friendly program.

In-Design requires your devotion and utmost attention to what In-Design requires of its acolytes – so have fun with that “Help” icon.

Once you have actually gotten everything entered, now you have to export the file to Adobe and create a .pdf of the file.

Yes, that is the sole purpose of using In-Design.

To create a .pdf resume for each attorney.

NO, I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU CAN’T DO THIS IN WORD OR IN ACROBAT.

You know, programs that I actually understand.

Mine is not to reason why …

NOW, you have to go into the actual website management program, and set up the on-line bio.

This, at least, is more intuitive – there is actually a template to use!  (Templates are, indeed, a blessing) you enter the info under the proper areas and save it; HOWEVER, you have to make sure that your .vcf and .pdf and .jpeg files are all linked, and God (you know the drill) forbid, the attorney has some sort of recognition (i.e., Super Lawyer, or something like that) he/she wants included; because getting those links to work is a whole other can of worms.

Some websites (like Super Lawyer) know that attorneys are going to want to brag about their accolades, and just give you the coding to make the proper language/graphic appear on your site.  Other websites (like Martindale Hubble) could give a fuck (flying or otherwise).  And, in case, you are a little problem solver like me and think you can grab the appropriate graphic and insert it …

Nope.  The website maintenance program will not let you insert a .png or .jpeg or any other kind of graphic file … or maybe you can, but it takes a lot more skill than I possess.

And then, if you are lucky, when you go to the actual website, everything is there.  You need to make sure it looks right, and that the downloadable parts actually work.

And if everything is working, then it’s pretty much time to sign off work, because you have just spent your entire fucking day messing with this stuff.

Argh.

Recently, I had to add 4 new attorneys to the website.

I am not a Luddite, but …

I am too old for this shit.