THIS FAT OLD LADY GETS WATERLOGGED

oceanside beach

What the ocean was like.

ocean wavesWhat the ocean felt like to me.

I learned a big lesson on my recent vacation – the ocean is no place for a fat old lady’s ass.

The waves were a little stronger than usual, but I waded out anyhow. I was fine until one extra fierce wave hit me right in the chest (while I was only thigh deep in the water) and over I went. And since I was in shallow water, I got tumbled against the bottom pretty good. And it continued as the waves kept tumbling me into the shore.

But I wasn’t too concerned at that point – I was being pushed into shallower water, right? That’s good – except it meant each tumble scraped me into more sand.

But I was finally in just a couple feet of water. That’s when I discovered, I could not hoist my fat old lady ass up and out of the water and get to my feet. Every time I’d get on all fours (really painful with my bum knees, plus the now well-exfoliated skin on the front of my legs), the sand under my feet would wash away and I couldn’t get any traction. And after quite a few tries, I was exhausted too.

Holy crap. Could this be the end of our hero? (Okay, obviously not, since I’m writing this from the safety of my own office chair.)

A very nice lady came running to my rescue, but she was not strong enough to get me up. My nephew Kaden was standing by too (but since the bottoms of my suit kept heading south, I was more worried about him being scarred for life at the site of his Aunt’s fat old lady bare ass, than I was in having him help). I hollered for Bill, and he came wading out to help. (He had been watching, and figured I was in shallow enough water that I was not in any danger – and he was probably right, but I didn’t feel that way at the time – but then again, I can be a hot house flower – and the ocean is no place for a hot house flower.) Another gentleman taking a stroll on the beach came to my aid as well, and so did my sister Karon and my nephew Kylend.

So there I am, in reasonably shallow water, surrounded by people and I still could not get my silly fat old lady ass up. I kept trying to keep moving towards shore – but each little move forward hurt like a son-of-a-bitch between my knees and my legs getting thoroughly sandpapered.

Needless to say, with everybody’s help, I was able to get my fat old ass out of the water and get my legs underneath me.

Thinking back, I can’t believe what an idiot I was.

I wasn’t an idiot for being a fat old lady and going out to frolic in the waves. I was an idiot for forgetting everything I know about dealing with strong ocean waves.

You have strong waves that want to knock you over? Stand sidewise to them. You get better support from your legs and it is harder for the wave to knock you over than if you stand full on to them. If you are in deep enough water – jump when a wave comes in, or dive under the wave. (Of course these didn’t apply to my situation, as I was in shallow water.) I also could have headed into deeper water so I could get my legs underneath myself again – fat floats, and thus, this fat old lady is very buoyant. My nephews had boogie-boards. I could have had them put one in front of me, so I could move onto it and then get traction to stand.

I could have done lots of things. I just didn’t. Didn’t even think of them.

It was a scary experience, and unless I find ways to gain a lot more leg strength, my ocean frolicking days may be over. So, if you want me, you’ll find this fat old lady in the pool!

And I just want to add – thank you so much to everyone who helped me – especially two strangers who were nothing but kind to me. Clearly, this was an embarrassing situation to find myself in, but I felt no judgment (except, sadly, from myself). Nobody gathered at the beach with cameras, there were no cat-calls. Maybe it’s just the folks in Oceanside (a town I love), but everyone was kind and supportive and helpful.

Whew.

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