THIS FAT OLD LADY DOES NOT DRINK LIME VODKA AND SQUIRT (ANYMORE)

drunk

The first time I got drunk was at a party my sister invited me to. I was not underage (drinking age in Michigan was 18), but I had never been drunk.

I decided that I wanted (nay, needed) to get drunk because I had played Vera Charles in Mame, and was about to do so again, and I felt to really understand the role, I needed to experience the agonies of a hangover.

I got way more than I bargained for.

I have never liked beer, wine, or any booze straight (I definitely prefer my booze in drag – very sweet and girly, preferably with a paper umbrella and some appropriate fruit – such as cherries or pineapple). So my sister decided my drink for the evening should be lime vodka and Squirt. I loved it – loved it way too much. I drank a whole lot of the nasty green concoction.

I was, indeed, drunk.

That is when another drunk screwed up my plans.

Some drunk, drove his car into a line of parked cars (which included my car). He was so drunk, he was still trying to drive forward when the cops showed up.

My sister decided it was time for me to sober up. She went with the old tried and true – coffee. Now I was a wide awake drunk. Then she decided that I should throw up the booze. Did you know that when you throw up the booze, you end up getting drunker? I was a MESS.

A mutual friend called my mom and step-father – calling my step-father, “Mr. Cotter” – which is not his name. That is the name of my father, and my mother’s first husband. My step-father is not an understanding sort. He was not amused.

I spent the night at my sister’s place, and awoke early with the mother of all hangovers. I awoke early, because my step-father was demanding my presence at home.

On the way home, we passed a church where mass was just getting out.

I also got out – of the car – and puked and puked in front of the parishioners.

I don’t remember much of what happened when I got home. Obviously, my parents were pissed, but I hadn’t broken any laws. It was not my fault some idiot drunk drove into a line of parked cars, ending up totaling my car.

I had simply made an ill-advised wish and it was granted.

It really is true – be careful what you wish for.

As for the photo – well, I never said I stopped drinking, did I?

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