I have a collection of Barbie dolls – don’t get excited, they are almost all reproductions – but they are wearing my favorite outfits from back in the day – because, as always, I am all about the clothes.

I love my Barbies and they are mostly Mint – Not Removed from Box. 

However, many years ago, I subscribed to Annie’s Attic’s crochet patterns for Barbies; and I made two of the gowns – one green and one blue & white.  They are pretty fabulous, if I do say so (and I do).  And I wanted to display them. 

But I don’t have any just-for-the-fuck-of-it Barbies laying around.  So I ordered three used Barbies from E-Bay on the cheap. 

First off, these dolls are not in the best of shape.  They each came garbed in fugly outfits – but who cares – I’m gong to soon put them in fabulous (if I do say so myself, which I just did) hand crocheted gowns.

However, their hair …

Holy crap.  Think Bernadette Peters in The Longest Yard (the original). 

So off I go to Google to be enlightened on how to de-crud Barbie doll hair. 

First, you have to comb the hair – that took about a week.  One doll, I (affectionately and respectfully) refer to as my Rasta barbie (despite her being Caucasian and blond).  Actually, I wish her hair was as well-kept and attractive as most dreads.  Her hair is just a mess.  I don’t know what product they put on her and how long they abused that hair, but holy moly – mat city.  The amount of doll hair I ripped out of that doll’s head, you’d think she’d be snatched bald. 

But I got it done.  I got all three dolls’ hairs combed out.

Now, I have to wet the hair, condition it, rinse it, shampoo it, rinse it, condition it, rinse it, and comb it back out.

Who knew Barbie was so high maintenance?

Then the real shocker – yes the foregoing was just my preface to the actual WTF.

I undressed the dolls and found myself face-to-face with the modern Barbie butt.

My first thought was, when did they start putting cellulitis on Barbie’s butt (and how inclusive!)?

My second thought was, holy crap what kind of disease does she have and is it catching?

Then I realized that the nasty bumps and whorls I was looking at were on purpose! 

Is this supposed to represent underpants?  Why?  Barbie has nothing that requires covering up.  And if you so choose, you can buy underpants for your Barbie.  And why is it then, the same shade as Barbie’s skin? And those bumps and whorls and “B”s? Talk about visible panty line!

I just don’t understand.  They changed Barbie’s measurements because the original ones were not something found in nature – but the bumple-dy, welt-y, monogramed ass (and FUPA) is “natural”? 

If I had this reaction, I can’t imagine what the average 5 year old thinks when they first uncover their Barbie doll’s ass!  That’s got to be traumatic.  Much more than tig ol’ biddies (courtesy of RuPaul) and a teensy waist. 

Yikes.  Just yikes.