I know I have been missing for a few days.  Sorry (a teensy bit).

We were “Up North” trying to see some fall colors.

Learned two things.  End of September is too early for fall colors “Up North” and the colors change inland first and on the coast later (who-the-fuck knew this? and why didn’t they ever tell me?). I grew up in Michigan and I never heard of this phenomenon. 

So not much fall colors – more fall colors in our own area.  Go figure.

We stayed at Michigan Disneyland – aka The Great Wolf Lodge. 

I had hoped, being the middle of the week during the school year, that the number of kiddos at this place would be greatly reduced.  And maybe it was – because I have no idea what it is like during prime season – all I do know is there were plenty of ankle biters running (and I do mean running) around.  I truly believe that they somehow outfit each child with ankle weights and steel toed boots so that when one of them runs up and down the halls, the effect is like a herd of moose stampeding.

But what I really want to tell you about is the water park. 

The huge water park.

Our first day there, my husband and I donned our swimming togs and went to explore this wet wonderland.  They had everything – except it was all child-sized.  Even the adult-only hot tubs are only 3 feet deep.  If I wanted to soak my knees, I could have stayed home and figured out how our jacuzzi tub works.

There is a huge wooden structure that has lots of water pouring out from lots of different places and if you climb it and are brave enough, you can use the water slides coming down from this structure.  Me?  No. That’s not going to happen.  If the slide is enclosed, I am terrified of getting stuck.  If the slide is open, I’m terrified I’ll get thrown out of the damn thing, like that poor kid in Texas.  Just no.

They did have a “lazy river” with tubes.  That sounded like fun. 

And it looked like fun, right up until the damn thing tried to kill me – which was pretty much from the moment I stepped into it. 

First off, the current in this thing is like a fucking rip tide.  Second, it is only a little over 2 feet deep – which you would think would make it impossible to drown in. HA!  Shows what you know.

I tried using a tube – which twisted and dunked me under immediately.  I tried to just use it as a flotation device, holding the handles and leaning onto it.  I knew I couldn’t get my big fat old lady butt into the middle (unless I wanted to exit the “lazy river” bent over and a big yellow tube permanently attached to said big gat old lady butt and I knew if I tried to put it over my head – it would certainly not get past my big fat old lady titties – so I would be a head floating inside the tube not being able to see anything.  Okay.  I’d just float around and use my fat old lady body as a flotation device (fat floats, you know).  HA!  Shows what I know.

I was able to float on my back, backwards – but given the fast current, I think it was reasonable to be concerned about whacking my punkin’ head into the concrete sides of this “lazy river”.  So I tried flipping over – and just “swimming” along.  I hadn’t counted on the fact that the water was so shallow that what happened when I tried to swim, was my knees scraped on the bottom – a bottom that was clearly made of one of the rougher varieties of sand paper – sorry knees, no more skin for you!  And as I tried to get my footing, so I could stand up – oops – let’s see how many directions your toes can go and how much skin we can take off of them. 

And all the while, this maelstrom of water was pushing me along and under and over and I was getting so very tired. 

But then a very kind young mother, came up inside her tube and asked if I needed some help.  I said, yes please, in the most pathetic, tired and sincere voice you can imagine.  If she would just let me hold onto the handle of her tube for a minute – and ah, I was able to get onto my own two feet again.  Thank you, thank you, thank you young lady. 

And you can imagine how foolish this fat old lady felt standing there in 2 feet of water; water that had just been trying its damnedest to kill yours truly. 

Lazy river, my fat old lady ass.

Next time. I bring my own equipment!

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