My psychologist got a faceful of me in a downward spiral today.
I couldn’t get to sleep until after 3 a.m. because of all the “stuff” swirling around in my head. Usually, I can shut this stuff down – I envision a tub with water and I pull the plug and tell myself that those are all my worries swirling away and I can think about all that tomorrow (because God (TIDBI) knows, they’ll still be there).
It usually works. But I just couldn’t get my fat old lady brain to cooperate last night.
Once I (finally) fell asleep, I slept well – until 10:30. In fact, I would have stayed in bed all day if I could have.
Mostly, I was feeling devastated because it appears that the box containing my personal jewelry did not make it to Michigan. It’s mostly costume jewelry and of little value to anyone but me. But there were a few precious items in that box and it’s killing me that they are gone.
I feel stupid. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m being punished for not taking care of my things.
I know that these are all emotions that are out of control right now; but I just can’t seem to get a grip and think about this in a healthy way.
And that scares me.
Why isn’t my brain working the way it should?
Probably because I’m up to my fat old lady tits (and granted, that’s not as high up as it once was) with change (something I hate and always fight) and lack of a regular routine (I always do better with structure in my life – and my underwear).
Also, my psychologist looked at the (many many) side effects of Anastrozole and I seem to have a LOT of them. So I think that may be playing into my current situation as well.
And then, the California attorneys loaded me up with work today – because that’s the way it goes, isn’t it? (And I’m not complaining because not having a regular paycheck anymore also scares me because I am all about feeling secure – and I am, really, I just don’t feel like I am.)
So wasn’t this a fucking blast of sunshine for y’all? Sorry. I’ll get better and be more of my usual delightful self – we just might have to wait a bit.