Lately, I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to have a very firm sense of who I am. 

It was an amalgam of personal style and the things I did and who I did them with.

Now, I have no personal style. 

99.9% of the time, I couldn’t give a shit about what I’m wearing.  I certainly don’t bother with my hair or with makeup. 

Now, I don’t do much of anything. 

Sometimes, I make my Dikke Dame dolls – which I do enjoy, but they are a lot of work and a lot of times I just can’t get motivated. 

I work-work.  But I have always worked (at least, that’s how it feels).  I think of retiring, but then I’d be even less of who I am now.

I hardly ever sing and I don’t pull out my ukulele or my French horn.  I very seldom listen to “my” music.  My husband almost always has some kind of music going, and that is fine.  And I can listen to my own music (that’s why God (TIDBI) made ear buds, right?).  I just don’t.

Outside of doing shows, I hardly ever socialized anyhow.  And the pandemic has put paid to almost all of the socialization I might do.  And social-anxiety takes care of the rest. 

We are working toward moving to Michigan.  But then I wonder am I creating a delusion about what my life will be like there?

Moving to Michigan is not going to change the person I seem to have become. 

I think part of what is going on is that I am not aging gracefully.  I’m kind of hating it. 

I miss me.

(Not to worry, the meds will kick in eventually and I’ll be fine.)

What the fuck happened to this woman?


  1. This is so creepy – have felt this way for a number of years now, and while I understand the why of it, it’s
    still disconcerting to feel at such a disconnect from….myself. I think it’s partly to do with getting to be this old
    (you spring chicken, you – not even 70 yet!), and partly to do with what you talk about in your current Theatre
    Tuesday entry. We’ve made up so many stories & pretended to be so many other people that sometimes
    it’s hard to tell where they leave off & we start — so many of my friends are performers & have the same plaint. So – be of good cheer (or act as if you are until you start to feel it) – & know it’s not unique, that it DOES taper off until one day, you look in the mirror and BAM – you are YOU again….maybe in Michigan,
    maybe not.

    Have a great Thursday.

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