THIS FAT OLD LADY’S ME MONDAY – WHO AM I

Lately, I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to have a very firm sense of who I am. 

It was an amalgam of personal style and the things I did and who I did them with.

Now, I have no personal style. 

99.9% of the time, I couldn’t give a shit about what I’m wearing.  I certainly don’t bother with my hair or with makeup. 

Now, I don’t do much of anything. 

Sometimes, I make my Dikke Dame dolls – which I do enjoy, but they are a lot of work and a lot of times I just can’t get motivated. 

I work-work.  But I have always worked (at least, that’s how it feels).  I think of retiring, but then I’d be even less of who I am now.

I hardly ever sing and I don’t pull out my ukulele or my French horn.  I very seldom listen to “my” music.  My husband almost always has some kind of music going, and that is fine.  And I can listen to my own music (that’s why God (TIDBI) made ear buds, right?).  I just don’t.

Outside of doing shows, I hardly ever socialized anyhow.  And the pandemic has put paid to almost all of the socialization I might do.  And social-anxiety takes care of the rest. 

We are working toward moving to Michigan.  But then I wonder am I creating a delusion about what my life will be like there?

Moving to Michigan is not going to change the person I seem to have become. 

I think part of what is going on is that I am not aging gracefully.  I’m kind of hating it. 

I miss me.

(Not to worry, the meds will kick in eventually and I’ll be fine.)

What the fuck happened to this woman?

One thought on “THIS FAT OLD LADY’S ME MONDAY – WHO AM I

  1. This is so creepy – have felt this way for a number of years now, and while I understand the why of it, it’s
    still disconcerting to feel at such a disconnect from….myself. I think it’s partly to do with getting to be this old
    (you spring chicken, you – not even 70 yet!), and partly to do with what you talk about in your current Theatre
    Tuesday entry. We’ve made up so many stories & pretended to be so many other people that sometimes
    it’s hard to tell where they leave off & we start — so many of my friends are performers & have the same plaint. So – be of good cheer (or act as if you are until you start to feel it) – & know it’s not unique, that it DOES taper off until one day, you look in the mirror and BAM – you are YOU again….maybe in Michigan,
    maybe not.

    Have a great Thursday.

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