We are hoping to retire to my home state of Michigan.

Yes, I know it’s:

Colder than the nipple on a witch’s tit
Colder than a bucket of penguin shit
Colder than the hairs on a polar bear’s ass
Colder than the frost on a champagne glass

I grew up there.  I know. 

As I have said many times, my winter plans are to stay inside and bake cookies.

So I have spent a lot of time perusing Zillow for prospective houses.

I know what I want, and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable list of got-to-haves.

For example:  An attached garage.

For fuck’s sake.  It’s fucking Michigan.  Do you really want your car sitting out in winter weather?  As stated above, it’s fucking cold.  I don’t want to have to carry my groceries (or luggage or my own fat old lady ass) outside through the bitter cold to get to my home. 

And yet, I’m seeing so many houses with no garage at all! 


I want a single-story house; basement is preferred but not necessary.  That’s not too much of a problem – there seem to be a sufficient supply of ranch-style houses around.

Two bathrooms.  That’s two full-size bathrooms both on the first floor (i.e., it doesn’t count if it’s in the basement).

One and a half bathrooms does not equal two bathrooms.  I can’t tell you how many listings I look at claiming to have two bathrooms and it turns out that there is one full size and one half bathroom.  I even saw one that showed three bathrooms which was really one full size and two half bathrooms.

No, no, no, no, no. 

I do not understand the propensity of people in Michigan to want to share bathrooms.  One of the reasons my marriage has lasted so long is we each have our own bathroom.  Since I wish to have this marriage continue, two full bathrooms is non-negotiable.


This one is for my husband, but I want them too.  Michigan summers can be hot (and sweaty) as balls.  You want that shade.  Yes, I know it means raking, but you can just get one of those mowers that mulches the leaves at the same time.  That built in the middle of (or adjacent to) a big empty field thing is not appealing to me.  I can just imagine the cold snowy winds blowing across those fields all winter.  Brrrrr and no thank you.

A good sized kitchen.

Our little house in San Jose has a teeny-tiny, Barbie Doll sized kitchen (and I definitely do not have a Barbie Doll sized anything).  It’s one of those “part of a hallway” kitchens that you often see in apartments.  I want a kitchen with counter space and cabinets, and where, if there are two people in the kitchen, they are not constantly rubbing butts.  (I’m not against butt rubbing in general, just when I’m otherwise occupied in the kitchen.)

When did Michigan folks stop cooking?  I’m seeing so many of these “open design” kitchens, and I hate them.  Open design means you are missing two walls where there could be more cabinets and counters.  Fuck that shit.  Even the brand new builds – especially the brand new builds – have teeny kitchens.  So, this is becoming a concern.

And last but not least, a first floor laundry.

Again, this is becoming more the norm, but there are still so many houses where the laundry is down in the basement.  And I get it.  We all grew up in houses with the laundry in the basement, but if you think I’m carrying my laundry up and down basement stairs, y’all are high.  I can think of no better way to end up with a broken wrist (like my Grandma did) or a broken hip (like a lot of people my age end up with) because of a tumble down the basement stairs.  So, Michiganders, while you’re putting in that second bathroom, why not have an upstairs laundry put in too?  It will make your house more attractive to prospective buyers – especially fat old ones from California.

So am I being unreasonable?  You know what, I don’t care. 

Come on Michigan, step up your housing game.

Yes, I want a garage.


  1. Thank goodness, it’s NOT just us looking for (most of) these things! Yes yes yes espectially to the attached garage and main floor laundry. Fortunately, we have found some houses that meet all our “musts”, so it’s reasonable to expect there will be more in the next few years when we’re ready to move/semi-retire.

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