My husband and I were watching one of our favorite TV shows – Ridiculousness and there was a video of a woman getting knocked to the floor – twice by a Great Dane.

I commented, “Great Danes are assholes.”

I happen to KNOW Great Danes are assholes because I had the dubious honor of having to deal with a prime specimen of the breed when I managed the Candle Emporium in Frankenmuth, Michigan.

The bosses, Ron and John, lived upstairs of the store, and when they went on business trips, I stayed in their apartment to keep an eye on the store; and after they got their Great Dane – watch that fucking dog.

I know there are no bad dogs – only bad dog owners; and Ron and John, although I loved them dearly, were lousy dog owners. They doted on that dog and spoiled her and did not try to get her the least bit of training.

Word to the wise, if you have a dog as big as a Great Dane; it’s going to need some training.

I’m trying to remember it’s name – something like Daisy – I’m sure, just like the dog, it’ll wake me up in the middle of the night and I’ll remember it’s stupid name. She was a harlequin Great Dane (the black and white ones that if they had better sense would be Dalmatians) and she was HUGE and dumb as a bag of rocks.

She liked to chew up shoes.  My shoes in particular. 

If I left her alone for any reason, she would destroy something in the apartment.  If my shoes weren’t available, she’d take apart something that would make a nice big mess – like a pillow – or once she shredded a whole package of her puppy-sanitary napkins (yes, they exist).

And speaking of messes, since I wouldn’t let her sleep with me, she showed me her displeasure by taking a giant (Great Dane sized) shit in front of the bedroom door right where one might expect me to step when I got up in the morning.  Fortunately, the smell gave away her ruse; but somebody had to clean up the mess.

Can you guess who?

Have I mentioned how much I hated that dog.

Once, she got out the door when she was in heat – in the middle of winter; and I had to go out in knee deep snow, in my work clothes (and shoes) to catch her.  It took (what felt like) forever.  I found a stick to throw and she would fetch it and then bring it back to me – but never quite close enough for me to grab her collar.  Finally, I threw it into her fenced in enclosure, and she fell for it.  I locked her up; and told her she could just sit out there and think about what she had done.

Fucking dog.

No, I didn’t leave her out there long.  I hated her, but I recognize she’s just a dumb (a really REALLY dumb) animal. 

So the video of someone being knocked over by a Great Dane did not surprise me at all.

Take my word on it; I know whereof I speak (okay, write).

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