I don’t hate dogs.
Some dogs, I actually like quite a bit.
But I do not want to own a dog.
My family had one dog.
I don’t even remember what her name was.
She was a stray, largish and her coat was blond.
I firmly believe she was the basis of all the stupid blond jokes you have ever heard.
My God (that I don’t believe in), was she stupid.
This is when I learned about dog spit.
Lucy van Pelt is right.
Dog spit is so incredibly gross.
Their tongues and everything associated with dog mouths are slimy and drippy.
And they so want to share their slobber with the world – most particularly with you!
Cats’ tongues are nice and dry and sandpapery, and they use it to keep themselves nice and clean and to give sweet kitty kisses.
That is also when I found out that dogs think cats leave delicious tootsie rolls in the litter box.
(If you ever want to argue about which is smarter – dogs or cats – just remember who eats whose shit. Argument over.)
At the time we had this dog, we lived on Midland Road.
Anyone from the Bay City, Michigan area knows just how busy Midland Road can be.
As is unavoidable on a heavily traveled road, something got run over – it got run over to the point where it was just an unidentifiable flat thing in the middle of the road.
Of course, this dog had to go check it out.
Traffic was stopped in both directions (because Michigan people are nice that way and nobody wanted to run the stupid dog over).
Horns were blaring (because Michigan people are nice, they do have their limits).
I had to actually go and drag that stupid dog out of the road (and she was fighting me the entire time to go back).
For fuck’s sake.
She was pretty. I’ll give you that.
But dumb as a fucking bag of rocks.
I don’t even remember what happened to her.
I hope she wasn’t killed or something; but if she was, I have to believe it was her own stupid fault.
And this is why I am a cat person.
Don’t even try to change my mind.