So the other day, I come home from grocery shopping.

My hands are full of bags and I go to unlock the front door, and on the door jamb is a big black spider.

Really odd looking guy – round with a white dot in the middle of its body.

EWWWW.

I just know that if one of my bags touches this guy, he’s going to jump onto the bag and run up my arm and kill me.  (Sometimes, you just know these things – see below – I was totally right!)

I manage to get the door unlocked and open without having my bags touch said spider, and the fucker decides it’s time to move.

Oh good.

He moves to the other side of the door jamb – which means once I close the door, he’s INSIDE the house.

NOOOOOOO.

I put the groceries down, and go and get a piece of junk mail.

In case, you don’t know – I can’t stand to squish big spiders – the crunch squish is just beyond my abilities to cope.  (And this from a woman who has cleaned up cat puke full of worms without a qualm.)

So I take the envelope, and flick the fucker out the door – onto the front stoop.

Okay.  If I’m very careful, I can bring in the rest of the groceries without stepping on him, and hopefully, he’ll figure out he’s outside with a whole world to explore and move on.

I bring in the next load.

He’s still where I flicked him.

I bring in the final load – he’s no longer there.

Oh good.

He’s on the bottom of the door jamb.

WTF SPIDER.

The good news is, I get in and close the door before he can move to where he’ll be inside the house.

The bad news is, I can no longer use my front door.

(See?  I knew that fucker was going to jump on me!)