I recently went to see a local production of Smokey Joe’s Café (great production, by the way).

You’d have thought I was risen from the dead.

Everyone was so surprised to see me.

WTF?

I admit I’m not the best at getting my fat old lady ass out the door, but … c’mon.  I’m not that bad!  Mostly.  Probably.

Okay, I am that bad.

But I’ve really been making an effort to get out more.  My one and only New Year’s resolution – to get out and be more sociable.

Plus, last Fall, I was publicly on display in a production of Cabaret as Fraulein Schneider (which I modestly confess I F*CKING ROCKED IT!).

Being in theater, and being in a theater, of course, the next thing (after expressing their huge surprise at seeing me) is, “What’s next for you?”  “What do you have coming up?”

And I reply nothing, unless someone knows of someone doing a show with a fat old lady in it.

And then comes the, “Oh, don’t say that!”

Why not?

I AM a fat old lady.  I know it.  And anyone present at an audition I am participating in knows it.

It’s okay.  I have a type.

Granted, with enough pink lighting (I used to say pink gels, but in this digital age, that term increasingly is met with blank stares – which only goes to prove how old I am), a wig, and sufficiently thick makeup, I can still play a fat not-so-old lady.

I should also remember to ask if anyone is doing any shows that call for a fat old man, because I can (and have) definitely rocked that type too!

So calm down y’all.

And if your show needs a fat old lady or man, give me a call!