As I have mentioned before (I think – but you know, I’m an OLD fat lady, so forgetting is part of my “charm”), I hate going to the dentist.

And yet I go often. Because I have inherited my mother’s crappy teeth, it behooves me to go for cleanings every 3 months instead of every 6 months, and every 6 months the dentist pokes his head in and takes a look (which I hate).

I love my hygienist Toni. She is a lot of fun and we always have a nice chat and some laughs, and I trust her to keep an eye on what is going on with my crappy teeth. I don’t like it when, after Toni has been digging in my mouth for a half hour, my dentist comes in and digs around some more. Toni know her business, she can make sure everything is okay.

Well, on my last visit, Toni found two “suspect” areas and ratted me out to the dentist. Bitch. How dare she betray me by doing her job? They didn’t hurt or anything!

So in comes the dentist to poke around. First he tells me that my gums look a little red and puffy. I point out that this is hardly surprising since Toni had been prodding, poking and digging at them for a half hour (my dentist definitely goes on the list of long-suffering when it comes to having me as a patient – but too bad, he’s the one who decided to be a professional sadist). Then he tells me I need two fillings – on opposites sides of my mouth (meaning two shots of Novocain – shit).

Turned out the fillings were no big deal. I got them taken care of the next day, and it didn’t hurt a bit (well except for the Novocain – will they ever figure out how to take care of the pain without causing you pain?). Which is a good thing – my deal with the dentist is, “You don’t hurt me and I don’t hurt you.”

If you haven’t noticed, when you are in the dentist share, you are in a perfect position to take him from a stallion to a gelding, and while, I’ve never actually hit my dentist in his naughty bits, I have hit him (he hit a nerve and my hand flew up – hey, he’d been warned) and I have bit him (don’t tell me to bite down and then leave your stupid fingers in my mouth – duh).

So now Toni is on probation as far as I’m concerned.

I’m a fat OLD lady. I can be unreasonable like that.

It’s part of my fucking charm.