THE FAT OLD LADY GOES SHOPPING

Today, I decided to do the grocery shopping on my way home from work.

After being stuck in rotten traffic and witnessing all kinds of ass-holery on the roads, I was face-to-face with the realization that the same people I was just swearing at (loudly) in my car, are the same people I am now swearing at (under my breath) in the store. These people have no more idea of how to operate a shopping cart in a safe and courteous manner than they know how to operate a motor vehicle.

The ass hats with their cart in the middle of aisle (strategically placed so you cannot get by on either side) are the same folks who believe driving between the lines wills stifle their creativity and believe they are entitled to the multiple parking places the commandeer for their one vehicle.

People are wandering around in produce looking for a chance to cut me off as I head for the lettuce or melons.

The multi-taskers on their phones, texting or dealing with their own rotten kids while they shop; and unable to do any of it successfully. (Is it still multi-tasking, or is it simply multi-failing?)

The ace who comes flying out of an aisle without a thought of whether someone else might already be occupying the same space to which they aspire.

I kind of understand how people are unafraid of being jerk-wads when they are secure in the anonymity of their own vehicle. I am, however, surprised that they are willing to be jerk-wads in a situation where they are exposed as the jerk-wads they are and might actually have to suffer some consequences.

Who knew jerk-wads are kind of bold and brave (but jerk-wads nonetheless)?

And then you got the grandmas and grandpas. Bless their hearts. Slow and lost.

Clearly, I need to separate my commute from my grocery shopping. I need to disengage from the frustrations of the road before I have to re-engage with the frustrations of the supermarket.

I don’t want there to be headlines.

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