That was interesting.

My brother-in-law retired from the U.S. Postal Service.  My sister planned a huge (and well deserved) celebration at the family cottage on Long Lake. 

Knowing sleeping space would be at a premium, we decided to stay elsewhere.  Unfortunately, both motels at the end of the lake were booked solid.  But my sister suggested I try doing AirBnB. 

Sure, why not?  We do timeshares all the time.  How different could it be?

We got a decent deal on a teeny-tiny cottage on Little Long Lake.  I didn’t even know there was a Little Long Lake – turns out it’s only 3 minutes away, and is a lovely area. 

We were supposed to check-in between 6 pm and 10 pm; but we got there an hour early, and “Joe”, who had just finished cleaning the grill, seemed to think it was okay to just go in.  So we did. 

Things I learned.  You need to read the instructions carefully because I totally missed that the owner did not provide any soap for showering/bathing – there was an almost empty bottle of handwash and that was it.  Also, the owner does not supply K-cups to go with her Keurig coffee maker (because you know, just everybody uses K-cups).  So a trip to the grocery store was needed.

But okay.  My bad.  Live and learn and next time I’ll know what to expect.

Also, the water pressure in the shower was an adventure.  You’re taking a shower and you suddenly hear a “wheeze”  I swear – it wheezed, and suddenly the water pressure goes to almost zero.  Some fun, when you’re already soaped up with the Coast 2-in-1 shower gel you just bought (and which should bear a large red warning saying “hella-slippery when wet and we mean greased pig slippery y’all”).

But the biggest surprise? 

I’m sitting on the sofa and I see something under the futon (which is at a 90-degree angle to where I’m sitting).  WTF is that?  It looks like a ball, but it has weird coloring/markings?  That looks like … no, that’s not possible …

Yeah.  There was a small round watermelon stuck under the futon.  So, yeah, there’s that.

Also there was a K-cup stuck under there, but that wasn’t as amazing (or amusing).

I roll the fucking watermelon out from under the futon.  Luckily, it was still firm and there was no sign of leakage.  And it got thrown out.  (No, I am not up for trying the futon watermelon, thank you very much.)

Other than that the stay was pretty uneventful.  We had a grand time at the Long Lake cottage, and had a place to go when things got to “people-y”. 

We were supposed to leave the place as we found it, and I thought I had done one better – I had removed the gone-astray fruit from under the futon (and the K-cup that was wedged under there to the point where my husband had to lift the fucking futon to get it out – and no we didn’t use that either – futon food strictly off the menu). 

Air BnB asked for a review – promising they would not be sharing it with the owner.

LIARS (they should check their undies because they are most definitely on fire).

I get a text from the owner telling me that she personally cleans the unit and there was NO watermelon under the futon.

Bitch, please.

When you own a property and are informed that a piece of fruit of any size is found under a piece of furniture, your response should be, “OMG, I’m so sorry.” 

I told her I did not know the origin of said watermelon, but it was definitely there and we removed it.  (And “You’re welcome” should be your next response – bitch.) Not sure how much we’ll be considering Air BnB for the future; maybe we’ll just stick to timeshares – we’re getting too old for this kind of excitement.