My last few printers have been Hewlett Packard (HP).  Up until this last one, I have enjoyed the service provided by these printers, and let me assure you, I am not buying the top of the line here.

When I got my most recent printer (an HP Desk Jet 4155e), I made a HUGE mistake; and I am here as the voice of experience to warn you of the circle of hell reserved for those who are dumb enough to sign up for HP Instant Ink. 

Here is how HP Instant Ink is advertised to work –

“HP Instant Ink is the hassle-free, money-saving ink subscription service that automatically delivers ink only when you’re running low³. Plans start at $0.99 a month.” (Note – see that footnote reference? No where on the page do any of these footnotes show up, this clearly being a sign of Shenanigans!)

Sounds great, doesn’t it?  Sounds simple, doesn’t it? 

Oh, if it were only that easy.

Okay.  Let’s start with the tri-color cartridges. 

I learned, to my great dismay (and frustration), the tri-color cartridges only ship out when ALL 3 of the colors are deemed to be insufficient. 

Uh-huh.

What do you call a tri-color cartridge that has run out of one of the colors?

USELESS.  That’s what you call it.  It’s GARBAGE.  It can no longer do the job intended.

Seems like this is something that everybody knows (or SHOULD know – it’s not that hard to figure out).

Not HP.  Nope.  They have never sent me a tri-color cartridge under the Instant Ink plan.  I have always planned ahead and simply ordered them through the Instant Ink plan.

Which is why until I needed immediate tri-color refills (Christmas Cards needed printing), I never knew the fucking nightmare world you would enter if you bought your cartridges anywhere except through HP Instant Ink. 

Want to know why?  Of course you do.  If you’ve read this far, you’re too invested to turn back now.

HP puts little itty bitty identifying chips in each fucking cartridge.  ALL their cartridges have them.  But if you are using Instant Ink – you better have the Instant Ink cartridges with the Instant Ink chip; and if you don’t your printer decides you are not using a “real” HP cartridge.  Even though, you bought HP brand cartridges from Amazon, and took them out of a box indicating HP brand; and out of packaging identifying them as HP brand cartridges, and they have HP’s fucking LOGO on the fucking cartridges.

I go on chat support with HP and that’s when I am told the only solution is to THROW OUT the cartridges I bought from Amazon (which because they are HP brand cartridges are not cheap) and only use the Instant Ink cartridges. (Of which I have none, because they don’t send out tri-color cartridges until ALL THREE colors are deemed insufficient.)

FUCK ME.

I immediately cancel my Instant Ink subscription. 

I figure, HP will tell my printer that other HP cartridges are just fine now.

HA!  HA, HA! I say.  It’s never that easy.

I go to print my grocery list. 

I get an “E0” error.

Do you know what an E0 error is?  Of course, you don’t.  Why would you?  (Unless you’ve been in HP Instant Ink hell, and if so, howdy neighbor.)

EO means you have “unstable” (I shit you not) cartridges in your printer. 

Admittedly, I can relate, as I am feeling more than a little unstable myself at this point.

Do you know what the solution is?

I am supposed to remove the one HP Instant Ink cartridge I have and MAIL IT BACK TO HP, because now that I no longer use HP Instant Ink, my printer will not accept their cartridges!  (You can’t make this shit up.)  So I have to send them my half full black cartridge and replace it with another HP brand black cartridge – but NOT a HP Instant Ink HP brand cartridge.

Has your head exploded yet? 

So, you have been warned.  NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER sign up for HP Instant Ink.