THIS FAT OLD LADY’S ME MONDAY – NOT COVID-Y YET

So I finally had to get the double-nose poke for a COVID-19 test.

Or as my dear Zanna Wyant calls it – a pap smear for your face. 

No, I didn’t expose myself and nobody exposed themselves to me.  (Too bad, because that would have made for a much more amusing blog post.)

I have to have a “procedure” done and before they’ll do the “procedure” I have to be tested for COVID-19.  (If you remember, the “procedure” is riding the air hose and getting my picture took from the inside – aka a colonoscopy).

I had heard lots of horror stories about the COVID test. 

Turns out, like most things you worry about, it wasn’t that big of a deal. 

It’s not comfortable, but it’s not out-and-out painful.  They go in with this long-ass swab and then they keep it there for at least 10 seconds. 

That’s the part I don’t understand.  Why so long?  Does the COVID hide and it takes it 10 seconds to calm down and come out and play?  10 seconds may not seem long – until you have a big old Q-tip stuck up into your sinus. Time definitely stops flying; because nobody is having any fun.  Not you, and not the poor nurse who is having to stand outside on a chilly rainy day and stick big old Q tips up peoples’ noses.  

Yeah.  I went to a drive-through COVID test.  I have to admit, it’s a good idea. Probably the safest for everyone involved.  You stay in your car and only unroll your window when the nurse actually sticks the swabs up your nose.  The nurse is outdoors dressed for biological warfare – N95 masks, plastic face guards, disposable gowns, gloves, etc., as they should be.

My HMO sent me detailed instructions on what to do when I got there.  Except (and of course), it didn’t quite go according to their meticulous plans.  My car was supposed to be met by someone who would make sure I had an appointment and then direct me where to go.  There was a guy standing next to the entrance, who just waved me in and clearly had no interest in having anything further to do with me (right back at you, fella).  There were no arrows or signage – but I followed the little pathway that had been created with rope and cones in the parking lot – until I got to the first corner – where I found I now had to determine which of the 8 different stations I was supposed to go to. Fuck ’em. I went to the shortest line. 

I pulled up behind another vehicle and eventually, someone else came out with a clip board to check on my information – I love that they use signs to communicate so there is no need to roll down windows. 

So that was okay, except the person who checked me in wanted me to put my Kaiser card and my driver’s license on the dashboard.  Okay – except my dashboard is slanted, and if I put those precious cards on my dashboard they are likely to slip down to my windshield and disappear, or they could go flying off the dashboard to be forever lost somewhere under my car seats.  So I made a bold and defiant decision and held onto my id cards. 

Now there is a cover over each station; and when it is my turn, I start to move forward.  I get under the covering and they signal me to stop.  I stop.  And wait.  And wait.  I have no idea what I am waiting for – correction, I know I am waiting for my COVID test.  I don’t know WHY I’m having to wait. 

Then I am signaled to move forward – out from under the covering.  Okay.  Y’all are the bosses – it’s not me that’s gonna get rained on.  Then they have me turn off my engine.  (I thought that was unnecessary, but I complied – I only have so much boldness and defiance to expend in any given day – and because I realize there were plenty of people out there who cannot be trusted to put their car in park and instead suddenly hit the gas (the “I thought it was the brake” clan). 

And then, as I described above, I got the double nose poke. 

The part I really hate – up to now, I have had no COVID-like symptoms.  But now I have a vague sore throat.  I have a vague sore throat because they stirred up all the nastiness that lives in my sinuses that never bothers me (because we have come to a live and let live agreement) – and the post nasal drip is giving me a sore throat. 

But I got my results in less than 24 hours – because it’s for my “procedure”, and they can do that if they need to.  And despite whatever else may be lurking around in my sinuses, it’s not COVID – or maybe the nastiness that lives up there ate the COVID – whatever, I am currently COVID free.

The saga of my colonoscopy continues. Next up – cleaning out the other end of me. 

(It’s good to have something to look forward to, isn’t it?)

COVID-19 Test – what’s it really like?

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