THIS FAT OLD LADY’S TBT – WHEN WILL I LEARN THAT SUPER GLUE IS NOT MY FRIEND?

I was de-trimming the tree and putting all the ornaments in their new homes in plastic storage bins. 

Almost done.

Then, I drop an ornament.  (Of course I did)

And it broke. (Of course it did)

Fuck. 

And of course, it was a special ornament.  One made by my mom (who is long deceased). 

Double fuck.

But the good news is, it broke into four fairly clean pieces – although one piece was a kind of teensy chip.  (Because nothing should be easy, right?)

Now, where did I put that superglue? 

I believe the last time I used superglue was when I glued me and my socks to a mop handle. 

You might think that would be enough to get me to dispose of all superglue in our house.

Nah.  I’m not giving up that easily.

However, I got a teensy bit smarter – I now buy superglue in itsy bitsy tubes for one-use.  So I’m at least smart enough to limit the amount of superglue to which I expose my self in any given project.

Glued the first two pieces together.  Also glued a finger to the ornament.  Glued it sufficiently to mean I had to tear off some flesh, or reconcile myself to living a life with a Santa Claus ornament attached to my finger.  Since I make my living typing, the choice was not too difficult to make (although, mid flesh tearing, I did consider early retirement (only it’s already too late for my retirement to be early)).

Glued the next two pieces together – one of which is the teensy part.  I came dangerously close to gluing the itsy bitsy tube of superglue to myself and/or my computer stand.  I did end up coating a fingertip with superglue but was able to avoid gluing said finger to anything.  I figure, how often do I need fingerprints anyway?

The teensy part did not want to stick.  Argh.  But I finally prevailed upon it to join with the other piece. 

Now I have two pieces (that are each composed of glued pieces stuck together) that need to be glued to each other.  Again, resistance from the pieces.  They object to being joined for life, even though not being joined means the life of the ornament is over.  Silly pieces. 

Again, I refuse to give up.  More fingers coated with superglue; more near misses with gluing parts of myself to my general environs. 

Nearing absolute despair, I (finally) read the directions.  Did you know you are supposed to hold the superglued pieces together 15 MINUTES?  I thought this stuff was supposed to be instantaneous!  15 MINUTES?  Holy crap. 

Thank God (TIDBI) for Jim Gaffigan.  My husband put on a Jim Gaffigan special and I was sufficiently entertained and distracted that I held the last two recalcitrant pieces of the ornament together for at least 15 minutes. 

And it worked!

You can’t even tell where the breaks are! 

I am so pleased.

We won’t talk about how it took several days of scrubbing and peeling before my iPhone would acknowledge my fingerprint again.

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