THIS FAT OLD LADY HAS A DENTAL ADVENTURE

dentistI hate going to the dentist; just like pretty much everyone else.

I have, however, found and trained up a very good dentist here in San Jose. We have a deal – he doesn’t hurt me, I don’t hurt him.

Seriously.

Once he hit a nerve and my hand went out (I swear it was involuntary) and smacked him right in the face. Another time, he told me to bite down and then failed to get his finger out of my mouth. That one was clearly not my fault. So, I believe both my dentist and I anticipate my dental appointments with a bit of dread.

So I was cleaning out the refrigerator and I found some Mary Jane candy. If you are not familiar with Mary Janes, head to your local Dollar Tree and get some – they are like Bit O’ Honey only peanut butter. Delicious. Also very, very sticky and chewy.

I’m chewing away on my Mary Jane when all of a sudden I feel something crunchy in it that does not appear to be peanut butter related.

Fuck.

Yup, it’s a piece of tooth-ish material.

Fuck.

I had no pain, but I could see on my bottom left molar a dark spot and I could feel a roughness on the same area.

I repeat, fuck.

Usually, given there was no pain, I would choose to ignore the problem until it really became a problem. But years of dental issues have taught me that this is a really bad idea. (I once went on stage as Mother Abbess in Sound of Mucus with half my face swollen up from an abscess – I requested a program note that Mom Abbess had gotten punched by a Nazi.)

So, like a responsible adult (my cover for my secret identity) the next morning, I called the dentist. They had me come in that evening for a look-see.

Turns out a piece of porcelain from one of my (many) bridges had broken off revealing the metal underneath. They checked to make sure the tooth underneath was not exposed (it wasn’t), and they checked to see that the bridge itself was still firmly in place (it was). Then I was given two choices: (1) have the 4-tooth bridge totally replaced (because it is almost impossible to get anything to bond with the underlying metal); or (2) do nothing.

Can you guess which one I chose?

It’s way in the back of my mouth, so I could give a shit what it looks like. I just wanted to be sure nothing would get through to the actual tooth, and I’m good on that count.

So, I went to the dentist and got good news! Who’d have thought?

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