I have learned that when you drive from San Jose to Los Angeles (and back), you do so one asshole at a time. And as my dear husband points out, there’s always more assholes.
Here are the most common assholes you will find on this drive (keeping in mind most of the way is 2 lanes each direction).
1. The asshole who always wanted to lead a parade.
This asshole is easily recognized by the long line of vehicles following him.
2. The asshole who believes the right lane is for losers.
Even though everyone is having to pass this person on the right, he/she refuses to pull over into the right lane because the right lane is for losers and there is no way he/she is a loser. (This asshole is misinformed and misguided.)
3. The asshole who believes that since they are driving at a speed which they feel is “fast enough” and they should remain in the left lane as an example to the rest of us.
4. Butt buddies.
These are the people who want to drive along side the person in the right lane – effectively blocking the whole freeway. These folks can often be mistaken for …
5. Assholes who are afraid to pass.
These folks drive in the left lane as if they are going to pass, but instead stay just a smidge behind the vehicle in the right lane. Again, effectively blocking the whole freeway. These folks are most often found driving in the blind spot of big trucks. Hopefully natural selection will cull this particular herd over time.
6. People who do not understand the laws of physics.
These are the folks who are doing pretty well – until they get to a hill. They then sort themselves out into 2 subgoups:
A. People whose vehicle can clearly handle the hill but they refuse to accelerate at all, keeping an even pressure on their gas pedal, which (as the rest of us knows) means their vehicle will lose speed (often dramatically).
B. People whose vehicles clearly cannot handle the hill and yet they refuse to move over into a slower lane or move into the slower lane right in front of you, thus making the rest of us lose momentum and speed.
Often these are the folks who become terrified on the down slope as well, making you wonder how many times a month they have to replace their brake pads.
7. A special subgroup for California drivers – the people who cannot deal with a “wall of death.”
The “wall of death” is the median wall that is right against the freeway. You have a couple inches (at most) clearance. It is imperative, if you are going to drive alongside the wall of death, that you know how wide your car is. Seemingly, this is knowledge many lack. Thus when face-to-face (or car-to-wall) with the wall of death these people FREAK. However, they refuse to pull over into the right lane, where there is usually no wall of death.
8. And last but not least, someone gave grandpa or grandma the keys to the car. Enough said. (Technically, grandpa or grandma are not the assholes (they’re doing the best they can, bless their hearts) – the person who let them get behind the wheel in the first place is the asshole.)
I am sure if I sat here and thought about it more, I could come up with some more groups and subgroups, but I’m home and there is laundry to do and cats to pet. For now, the assholes on the roads to and from Los Angeles have no power over me. Thank the Lord for small mercies.