As I’ve been humble bragging for some time, I go to water aerobic classes up to 5 times a week.  I’ve always been a water baby.  When I was a kid my parents couldn’t get me out of the water (lake, creek or pool).  I would stand there with blue lips, teeth rattling shivers, and still claim “I’m not cold.  Nope, not cold at all.” 

Nowadays I prefer a pool.  Fewer surprises underfoot.  Pools tend to have chlorine.  Lots and lots of chlorine.  Chlorine tends to eat swimsuits like they’re candy.

I know this. 

Chlorine also fades the fuck out of fabric.  I know this, and don’t care (unless it goes see through, then Houston we have a problem, and I hope my pool friends will be kind enough to let me know).

I already had one swimsuit top disintegrate on me – in the shower after class. 

Today, I was not so fortunate.  I get in the pool, all fat and happy.  The water is fucking freezing, per usual, and I take my aqua buoys and start moving arms and legs to try to stave off hypothermia.

Note, my swimsuit is pure G-rated.  Boy shorts that hang half way down my thighs. 

Class is ready to start, and I put my hand down on my hip – and imagine my surprise when I feel skin!  WTF?  There’s not supposed to be skin there – the skin is supposed to be under my swimsuit bottom.  My hand investigates further, and I realize that my swimsuit bottom now features a big rip on the right hip.

So I have gone, without noticing, from a truly G rated suit to a PG 13 suit.  My butt isn’t actually hanging out – yet.  I tell my pool buddies and we laugh and laugh, and start exercising.

Shortly thereafter, a feel the bottom leg of the suit, starting to hang suspiciously low and loose.  WTF?  The exercising has caused a greater rift – now my right butt cheek is hanging out. I figure we’re now at an R-rating.

And the rip is moving to the front.  Uh-oh. 

Oh, yeah, the suit is going for it.  The rip continues around to the front of the suit, and my cootch is now available for a direct viewing (if you want to put your head under the water that is).  We have now achieved an XXX rating. 

I figure that’s enough.  I need to bail on class, lest I unintentionally break some local decency ordinances.  A pool buddy gets my towel from where it hung, so I can cover up the naughty bits as I climb out of the pool. 

So now, between the chlorine and my fat old lady ass, I have destroyed one full swimsuit. 

Who says exercise isn’t exciting?