Any of you remember when I first retired? Remember how I said I could only deal with handling one thing a day. One thing. Then I’m done.

Yeah. That lasted.

I now try to go to water aerobics 5 times a week.

Two of those classes are at 8:30 a.m.

And I do all of those classes in the “deep” (or lap) pool.

Did you know the main source of water for lap pools is (recently) melted ice cubes? I’ve never actually caught them at it, but this is the only reasonable explanation for the temperature of the water.

My gentle bits are sure I have lost my damn mind every morning that I dip said gentle bits into fucking freezing water.

And I’m tired of people lying right to my face and telling me the water is great!

LIARS.

And then my calendar keeps filling up with stuff. I don’t know how this happens, but suddenly I have 2 or 3 or even more things on the calendar for each day!

Doctor appointments! Who needs this many doctor appointments? And okay, some of the things are purely social – but it is important for old fucks like me to get out and socialize (or as my dear Grandma Harris put it, “Go out and blow the stink off of you.”) And errands! Holy crap! What is the source for all these errands? I never had errands before. I had work, and when I was done with work, I was done. There is no “done” in retirement!

And that doesn’t even include the things that don’t make it onto the calendar but simply exist on my list of things to do (I mean, that ce-ment dog is not getting decked out for Cinco de Mayo by itself).

Retirement my fat old lady ass.