But we can’t make the liquified shit you have to drink before a colonoscopy taste like something other than slimy bitter salt water?

Gack.

WTF is in this stuff? 

I’m guessing the contents of Shrek’s neti pot.

(And yes, I know I missed posting yesterday – because I had to go to bed really early – as soon as my ass stopped (literally) pissing buckets) because I had to get up at 4 fucking a.m. and drink another ½ gallon of the aforesaid slimy bitter salt water.)

This stuff is supposed to have a lemon flavor.

Nope.

Not there – unless the bitterness comes from lemon zest (the rind of the lemon for those of you who are not culinarily inclined). 

So here I sit drinking 8 oz of this stuff every 15 minutes (per doctor’s orders) for 2 hours. 

So, not only is it nasty, not only do I have to drink ½ gallon of it (twice – I had to drink the first ½ gallon last night between 7 pm and 9 pm), but I have to stretch it out over 2 fucking hours.

I don’t remember the inside cleaning pre-colonoscopy to be so tortuous.  Yes, the stuff you had to drink was nasty – but it was fizzy!  Remember that stuff?  It came in little green bottles?  (Little being the operative word.) And you had to drink (I forget) one or two of them and that was it?  It was nasty too, but it was over fairly quickly – none of this over 2 hours shit.  (And at 4 fucking a.m.!)

After this, I don’t know why anyone needs anesthesia for their colonoscopy – you’d think you’d just pass out from exhaustion once they let you lay down (and your ass stopped pumping out butt water by the bucket). 

Oh, and I had to take 2 simethicone pills first thing this morning – and I have to take 2 more as soon as I down the ½ gallon of hell in a bottle.  And these are fucking huge!  They’re each like the size of two Tums tablets glued together. 

And you know simethicone is for gas.  So I’m hypothesizing the sole reason for having to take these horse pills is so you won’t (heaven forbid) fart on the doctor. 

They do have one bit of mercy on you – you are allowed to add water flavor enhancer – but you are limited, because you cannot ingest anything with red, blue or orange dye.  So, that leaves you with …. Lemon.  Yup.  Lemon, the flavor this shit is supposed to already have.  If I can add lemon, why don’t they just add enough lemon flavor to actually help – because it does help – a bit.  So now I’m just hoping that our lemon Mio holds out through the entire gallon I’ll have drank in total.

Note – I also tried pineapple Sunkist powder – DON’T DO IT.  OMG, who would have thought something (other than a carton of salt) could make this stuff worse?  Pineapple powder will do it.  If I run out of Mio, I do intend on trying the lemon-lime powder I have.  Pray for me that the Mio holds out; because while the lemon-lime powder makes a tasty beverage with water, so does the pineapple powder and we now know how that turns out.

Well … got to go (literally).  Guess the nasty slimy bitter salt water is doing its job.

See you on the other side.